I’m always trying to move from one point to the next, hopefully forging ahead in a helpful direction, and at the very least distracting myself from discomfort. Looking back on my laboring style, that was a huge problem. Moving around constantly, trying to stay on top of the contractions, breaking out in complete panic when I could no longer do that. I had an anxiety attack and needed oxygen and you know, was just a mess in general. I do that in life too. I stay on top of my emotions and always move around, trying to shake them off or escape them. This is a very harmful thing…
So the next step is to stand still.
I have a lovely friend who had a stillborn. Incredibly heartbreaking and nearly inconceivable for most, this experience was something she experienced with the most grace you can imagine. She honored the baby, made a scrap book for him, grieved his loss, and even corrected family members who felt the experience was too uncomfortable to speak about. “Moving on” looked like child’s play compared to the way she bravely faced the heartbreaking reality and emotions.
She has inspired me today to try and give myself time to process and grieve, and to honor this little lost life. To not place such value in getting away, moving on, feeling less.
All we have of the pregnancy is an ultrasound photo, taken after the loss, but it’s something. Zack and I picked out a name. Blaine- we thought this was a great unisex name, and unique and trendy enough to be in a family with a Gwenna and a Clover. I think I will make a scrapbook page with Zack and Gwenna, and this will be a good opportunity to explain to her that the baby in mommy’s belly is not going to grow big and come out the way Clover did. We still haven’t told her.
We are experiencing an outpouring of kindness and support from friends and family, and that has been so valuable. I appreciate every kind word and prayer. Although my relationship with God has been very complicated and confusing lately, I like to think there is a heaven where the little one will be able to exist as she was meant to be, have all of the happiness she was meant to have. And be able to see we all miss her.